It’s been a while

A friend of mine–or rather, a nemesis of mine–pointed out this evening that it’s been a while since I posted on my blog. This is true; it looks like it’s been since May 17th this year (my little sister’s birthday, oddly enough). I immediately figured it was because I’ve been writing in my journal every day, so everything I feel the need to talk about/talk out gets put in those pages.

But why not update my blog more often anyway? If I can get the everyday thoughts down on paper, then they won’t interfere with the blog. This is actually a pretty good idea, I think. Getting everything out on paper that I need to think about first will allow me to be more creative here, which is something I’ve been missing.

I like it.🙂

gp


Tales of a barista

Not a Starbucks barista, thankfully; I’m helping out a friend who runs her own coffee house. Last week felt a little rocky, for more reasons than just being a barista on my own for the first time. This week started out a little rocky, but it’s going better thus far. I don’t think I’m born to do this or anything, which seems to be enforced by the flare-up of my carpal tunnel syndrome pain… So while this works as a temp gig, it’s definitely not my dream career.

What is my dream career, you ask? Hell if I know. There’s the doula thing, which I do well, and which I love (or I think I do…we’ll see how that shakes out); then there’s writing, of which I haven’t done much at all recently. My plan this week was to contact some temp agencies in town on the advice of a freelance writer who started getting her first gigs that way. I haven’t done it yet. If I start doing it while I’m at the coffee house, it’s likely that will reliably bring in my customers so I’ll get nothing done on the temp agency search.

Okay, boring post. Haven’t done any writing this week; I have writing group tonight, so we’ll see how that goes.🙂

gp


Coming out of the…

Back when I began this blog, I decided I wanted to be anonymous while doing it. There were some reasons for that, and the main one no longer exists. Here I still sit, being my geekpyxie self, day in and day out…

I’m sitting in a coffee shop with my mom, and it has just occurred to me that since that reason no longer exists, I don’t have to be anonymous anymore. Except for the fact that I don’t really want this associated with my name; I’ve spent too much time with paranoid people (especially my mom, actually!) to want to put something like this out there with my name on it.

What I really want to do is start a blog with a pen name. But it needs to be a pen name that I can use for professional writing, since I’m aiming at that for the moment, and I don’t want to associate this with that…

So I need a pen name. Something not already being used by a published author, something not silly or too incredibly strange…but something interesting.

Ideas??

gp🙂


no goals met, but life is good

For me, anyway. A friend of mine is having some yucky issues, with which I am attempting to help her, but it’s rough for her right now. Thankfully, she has pretty good friends like me, and she’ll make it through okay.

My friend is NOT the reason for my goals not being met. I signed up for this round of ROW80 fully intending to write 10 minutes every day without fail. I don’t believe I’ve done that once since then. It crosses my mind occasionally–usually when I can’t do anything about it–and then it flits away again. I’ve been out of town, and busy, and somewhat lazy in the days needed for recovery from the traveling. Not beating myself about any of it.🙂

I drove to California with my friend Blyss and had a great ride. Well, she drove. There were a couple of long days during the driving as we took roads a little less traveled, but just being with Blyss and traveling territory neither of us had covered before was pretty cool. One of the highlights of the trip was driving through the Redwood National Forest in California. While we were in the car, it was kind of like, “wow, that’s a lot of big trees. Yay.” Then we stopped in a little pull off point and walked around a bit and really took in the size of these trees, and it kind of hit me–those trees were pretty damn amazing. There was one in particular I really loved where we stopped that had a big knot coming out of it that was almost tall enough to be out of my reach. From different angles, I thought the knot looked like a head of different kinds–kind of a goblin, kind of a grimacing skeleton, kind of a woman with long hair. I got pictures of it plain, and I sat my Wisconsin hat on top of it and took some more pictures as well. Blyss made an offering of tobacco to some of the trees, which is a very “Blyss” thing to do, and I respected it. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

The last day I was with Blyss was in Malibu at the Geddy Villa Museum for a symposium called “Excavating Aphrodite” that was a day-long symposium of archaeologists and historians presenting papers and findings of artifacts and proof of Aphrodite and Venus worship in Greece and Italy, including Pompeii. It wasn’t really my thing, and I got in some sweet naps during some of the presentations, but watching Blyss’s head spinning excitedly all day was definitely fun.🙂 We had a good time, and flirted with a guy during the wine and cheese event after the symposium was done. Well, he was flirting with me, but I think I was assuming he was gay, so I completely missed it. Oh, well… I was heading to the bus station to go to Phoenix that night, so it was okay. Apparently I need to be reminded what it looks like when people are attempting to flirt with me…

Then I spent a week in Phoenix with my sister, her four and a half-year old triplets (!!!), and some family who came to visit her and meet the kids. It was a good time, but it got a little long for me by the time my mom and I left to head back to Seattle. I think I’d been gone too long–two weeks is a long time, as it turns out–and I just wanted to get home. I did that, and then spent the next week at home with Wanda, for the most part. She certainly didn’t mind, and it was a really good way for me to unwind.

So, back to my original point…no writing goals met. I’m working as a barista for the first time ever–first full shift today by myself, and it’ll probably be a double. And I am doing pretty okay, if I do say so myself.😉

gp


Figuring everything out

Not that I could figure out EVERYTHING…but I’m figuring A LOT of things out. A couple of really good friends have both pointed things out to me, and asked pointed questions about my feelings about many things in the last few weeks. It started in literary terms (being my own main character), and has continued as those pointed questions that make me think about the reasons for my thoughts and reactions to everything in my life.

See? Everything.🙂

These friends are…well, they’re my angels. They will tell you that they can’t take credit for the transformations I’m working on, and since I’m working on taking credit for good things in my life (as well as learning to not blame myself for the not-so-positive things in my life), I will not give them all the credit. I’m doing the work; they are the women providing the catalysts for which I’ve been looking.

Thank you to Torrey and to Blyss. Ladies, thank you from the bottom my my soul for your words and your support.❤

gp


Writing for Reals

Tonight I did the first extemporaneous fiction writing I’ve done in months. It came out of a chance phrase from a friend during dinner (thanks, T!), and has grown to about 700 words in about 20 minutes.🙂 I am very happy with this turn of events!

My goals for this, the second round of A Round of Words in 80 Days for 2012, are as follows:

1. Continue with my 5 minutes of writing every day, but bump up to 10 minutes a day. This will most likely happen first thing in the morning, while my schedule remains what it is. It mostly turns into journaling, but that’s completely okay with me.

2. Walk Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, with yoga on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I know the second isn’t a writing goal, but it IS a healthy life goal. Since part of my life realizations in the past couple of weeks have including making time for myself, and not giving myelf to everyone else, I believe this will allow me to start balancing things in a healthy way, beginning with treating my body in a good way.

I also think it’s likely there will be more writing on Tuesdays and Thursdays after the yoga sessions. Yoga clear my mind so very well, and allows me to focus on my body and my breathing in a way I don’t do at any other time.

In the meantime, this weekend is Emerald City Comic Con in Seattle. I’m going to be there all day, every day. There are even a couple of very interesting panels that I want to sit in on…as well as Saturday night’s speed dating session. I’ll have to post here with how that goes…🙂

gp


Final ROW80 round [something] check-in

It’s been an interesting week, what with turning my life a little sideways over the weekend and trying to figure out what exactly to do about all that. But I walked Greenlake Monday and Wednesday, along with spending some personal time every day, and getting a whole bunch of other things done. All good things. I definitely feel better about myself than I have in a long time, and have determined what exactly I’ve been doing to that made me so mad at myself on Sunday.

Deep breath…🙂

I’m actually feeling like I might get some actual writing done tonight. Like fictional writing. I make no promises that it will be useful fictional writing, but fiction it shall be!

gp


Sunday afternoon…trying to figure out my main character

And no, I don’t mean a main character in one of my stories. I mean ME.

In the past year or so, I’ve been spending a lot of my freee time with one friend or another helping them out. I do some babysitting, the occasional house cleaning, some dog walking, and a lot of general listening to the stories of their lives on any given day. I knew I was working hard at all of these things, but doing them made me feel good, which meant that doing these things where what I needed to be doing. Add the hated job, and I was busy, and pretty worn out.

Yesterday, after I spent some time talking to my writing group friends about why I haven’t been able to write lately, and how I can’t come up with ideas, and how I’m just kind of feeling empty, one of my friends opened her mouth to say something to me. Then she closed it, and I proceeded to make her tell me what she’d been thinking about saying.

She said (paraphrasing) that I’m not being the main character in my own life.

As soon as she said it, I knew she was right. Exactly right. She couldn’t have been more spot-on if she’d tried.

All the helping and listening and everything I’ve been doing for everyone else has made me the sidekick.

As the day wore on and I spent it helping in the coffeehouse, I bounced that (and some other things) back and forth with my barista friend. I realized that I’m angry about the sidekick-yness of my life, and that while I’m mainly angry at me, I’m also a little angry at some of my friends for (unknowingly) taking advantage of me. This anger is plainly illogical, and I need to work through that, but I’m having a pretty hard time with that today.

In church this morning, we sang one of my very favorite songs: “Blue Boat Home”. It’s got lyrics about sailing throughout life, never knowing a harbor or port, and loneliness, and finding things that help you along your journey. It’s about the journey, I guess. I started sobbing, and I couldn’t stop. Someone eventually passed me a tissue (it was my mom’s, which I could tell because it smelled like the gum she keeps in the bottom of her purse), and there were comforting hands touching me as I let it out.

Turns out that the numb feeling I’ve had for a while now–the one I’ve not mentioned to anyone, but noticed myself–was my reaction to the loss and grief and panic I’ve been putting away somewhere over the past few months. I’ve had a couple of friends sick with cancer, a cat that died in the beginning of January, an unspecified stomach-type ailment mid-January into February, the loss of my job in the beginning of February, a birth to support in the end of February, and the unsurety of life in general–I pretty much put all that away.

Fast forward to this week, when I dropped my dose of my anti-depressant by 10mg, spent an entire day at the “naked spa” with a good friend, saw glimpses of emotion about things, and put some things off I shouldn’t have put off (job search stuff, mainly). I guess all of that worked together to bring about my writing group convo and today’s breakdown/through.

I’m drained. I want to go home, lie around with Wanda (the cat), and sleep. Or read. Or play solitaire. Or watch “Supernatural” on Netflix and cross stitch. Or a little of all of that.

Problem? I am supposed to hang out with a friend tonight after choir. I don’t want to. I think that sitting with her will make my anger bubble up and boil over, and while I need to express my feelings about all this to her, I need to do it in a more level-headed manner so that I don’t hurt her feelings any more than might be necessary. It might even be helpful to write out some of the things I’m feeling so that I can figure out how to express myself in the best way possible.

In the meantime…I wanna go home.

Oh yeah…writing. Didn’t for a few days, but picked it up again on Wednesday. Nothing substantive, but words all the same. Going to sign up for the next round.🙂

gp


leap day was busy!

Errands for the coffee-house, then errands for a friend with a new baby, then back to the coffee-house, where I spent the remainder of the day. I was going to be writing my resume, but ended up watching Downton Abbey series 2 instead. Ended up skipping the second part of my resume/networking thing this morning for lack of resume. All my own fault, but I’m not really feeling guilty about it.🙂

I did have an awesome day/evening with Blyss. Really like that girl.

Oh, and yesterday I didn’t get to write, but today I’m at writing group to make up for yesterday, as well as writing for today. Solutions!

gp


this is more like it!

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and now Sunday–and I have done my 5 minutes (at the very least) all of these days.🙂 It’s mostly journal-type stuff, but Saturday I added some wordage to my NaNoWriMo 2010 re-write. It’s not perfect, of course. I’m kind of looking at this as the second first draft, since a lot of it is just going to be completely different.

I sort of started the reboot yesterday as well, but I’m not sure how that’s going to go, exactly. I kind of thought I could do a short story with it and submit it to Jeremy’s Mad Scientist anthology…but I don’t know about that now. We’ll see what else I can come up with this week.

I’m already kind of full-up on things to do this week already, with sewing the baby quilt (picture to be provided when there is a baby quilt to photograph!), doing my outplacement stuff to get info on either finding a new job or starting my own business (more likely both of these things), helping out at the coffee shop, and doing doula business stuff. It’s going to be a long week, but I think it’ll be a good one.🙂

gp